


Soldier

by SaveSafeSpaces



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Aftermath, Aftermath of Violence, Character Insert, Existential Crisis, Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Mentions of Cult Activity and Past Trauma, Mentions of War Crimes, Military Training, Non-Linear Narrative, Reader-Insert, Reader-Interactive, Who's ready for the last chapter? I'm not!, mentions of torture, reader is a nameless soldier, songfics, will not use y/n for tags
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-14 14:07:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28796634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaveSafeSpaces/pseuds/SaveSafeSpaces
Summary: What did it mean to be a soldier? What did it mean to give everything -heart, body and soul- for a cause greater than myself? Would there be any difference in my sacrifice versus another who devoted their heart?Would there?In all my time of being here among the Scouts I'd never once gotten a clear answer.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 3





	1. Up in the Air

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoy! :^)

The wind blew hot and harsh, whipping my hair, whistling in my ears as I rode alongside the others. The sun still loomed high above us all, sweat dripped down my face, back and into my eyes. It'd been another long day with varying amounts of success, and my limbs ached from overexertion, yet the full day was far from over. In fact, training had only just begun.

But just like the other soldiers I was aware of what I'd signed up for when I joined the Scouts. Of course, there would be long days riding and fighting. Pain, exhaustion and terror mixed with the bittersweet taste of accomplishment -for most at least. That is, if one could at least endure the training long enough to last a day with the Corps.

"Prepare to break!"

Today we were training for combat from horseback. With this exercise came the expectation of switching from flare guns to Vertical Maneuvering Gear and back again in a timely manner, then taking down any oncoming targets in our stead. Cadet Eren Yeager would then transform during a surprise attack and it was up to us -the new recruits, myself included- to show our skills. Apparently, this was one of the newest forms of evaluation; And a terrifying one at that.

Each one of us new recruits had about one full round to make a move to defeat Eren. Thankfully I’d been one of the last to be selected for this examination of skill, so I’d had the perfect amount of time to assess my situation. If I wasn’t fast enough I’d caught in Yeager’s hands with no way to escape. If I was too fast, I’d lose control of my gear and plummet to the ground with severe injuries. All that mattered in those moments was to gauge the situation from horseback and think of a clear plan to make it out to the other side unscathed.

But time ran out and now it was my turn.

I looked to my right and left. On each side rode at least on the more experienced soldiers, Cadet Sasha Blouse being on my right, and Connie Springer on my left. Although my gaze remained locked on the path ahead, I gripped the reins tightly, dread twisting up a painful knot in my stomach. I didn't want to do this -didn't even want to be here, but what choice did I really have? Once I'd passed the training exams, there really was no going back. Not unless I was prepared to face the gallows on the charges of desertion.

Though as long as I kept Blouse and Springer in my peripherals, there could be some comfort taken in the fact that it wasn't just me here. Everybody had something to give, something to leave behind. So... maybe I wasn't completely alo-

"Disperse!"

"Huh? W-wait! I-" I turned to Blouse, clearly caught off guard.

"Time for us to break off" she said, giving me a reassuring smile, her brown eyes lighting up "You got this!"

"Yeah!" Springer called out " Remember: just go with your gut and don't stop moving!" 

He stuck his fist in the air as his horse gradually faded from my blind spots. Sasha's horse followed suit.

With now or never in mind, I charged ahead to close the distance between the fellow soldiers riding behind Captain Levi Ackerman. As prepared as I was physically, I knew I was in no way mentally prepared for what Cadet Yeager could do. What if I couldn't shift to my ODM gear fast enough? Or if my flare gun failed? If he snatched me off my horse before I reacted, wouldn't it all be over for me?

So consumed by my own thoughts, I didn't even realize my gaze began pointing downward. When I looked up again, the other two Cadets -what were their names again? - were gone, leaving me riding solo behind Captain Ackerman and Cadet Yaeger.

"Soldier!" The Captain turned back and called out.

"Sir!" I called back, charging forward.

I made my way to the other side of the Captain to hear his orders. Riding alongside him, he looked me dead in the eye.

"Be ready to move. Yaeger will move on his own accord. It's up to you to take him down. Am I understood?" 

"Yes sir!"

Before he could say any more, a sudden, intense surge of both heat and light overtook us. Not even the horses' piercing _neigh!s_ were heard. I'd barely enough time to launch up and out of the saddle and not long after I... I was really doing it.

By the Walls, I was doing it! I was up in the air. I was _flying!_ The wind in my face, roaring in my ears. Wait... that...that wasn't the wind roaring.

If Cadet Yaeger were the least harmless in personality, he was the most deceptive among the Scouts. His _titan_ form however was....

It looked like him, no doubt, yet there's no way it was him. Not with the darker hair, crusted tanned skin, lipless maw and ferocious green eyes. Those were eyes of battle, staring back at me with a look so frightening, I could've died right then and there.

I didn't, unfortunately.

Taking aim, swords in hand, I fired the grappling hook into Eren's shoulder, swinging round the side to strike. I must not have been fast enough because he raised his massive hand to take hold of the cord. Barely made it out there, withdrew and swung round to the back.

From the ground the other soldiers circled us in a wide distance. Though hard to make them all out, I knew that Connie, Sasha, the Captain, among others, were still there in case things really got bad. Not that they should. Hopefully...

[+] ||| [+]

Swinging round, upwards at an angle, then propelling myself forward, I went in for the strike, keeping just enough distance between me and that massive shoulder. Eren moved suddenly, covering the back of his neck with his hand.

"Damn!" I hissed. And just when I close in too

With warning, Eren launched a hand towards me, swiping my leg and knocking off balance. The grappling hook saved me yet again. Fired right into the shoulder and landed. Even managed to sink my blade in too -finally!

It went on like this for quite a while. Propel myself at him, land a minor blow, retreat when he struck back. After a while of being in the air, I... stopped feeling scared. Or at least, the fear of me falling became less significant.

"Look out!"

Big mistake.

Eren took hold of my leg, flipped me up, and closed his hand, leaving me locked in place with no way to move, not even budge a muscle.

_Damn. Damn. Damn!_

There were shouts from below. 

I immediately began to panic. Unable to reach my swords what could I do-

_Wait._

My blade was trapped; still in my hand but I could do it.

_Wait._

Giving up the attempt to squirm out of his grasp, I tightened my hand on the sword. Closed my eyes. Let the fear puddle in my belly, course through my veins.

Now or never. If I went down, I'd sure as hell take him with me.

And I did.

[+] ||| [+]

Opening my eyes, and with a force deemed impossible for someone like me, I broke the grip, taking out a finger or two. I could feel the wind soaring through my ears as I fell forward, swung up and around, and landed a quick blow to the back of his neck. Yaeger's enormous frame tilted forward, and fell to the ground with a great _boom!_

I landed on his back just as the steam erupted, barely able to hear the shouting over it. It was like being submerged in a thick muggy kind of swamp, sticky and scorching to the skin with a heavily pungent odor burning my lungs. As the body began caving in, dragging me deeper into the dark heat, the voices came closer. However, air was running out...

Suddenly, I felt an arm wrap round one of my legs and yank backwards. Futile struggling put to a halt, legs limp and relaxed. 

_Pull._ Torso out. _Pull!_ Shoulders _Pull harder!_ Head-

One sickening squelch later, a breath of fresh air and a rush of cool, sweet wind never felt so good in all my life. I fell back onto the arm of my rescuer -Cadet Springer- exhausted but giddy with accomplishment. 

"Great job, Rookie!” He sighed, his golden eyes shining. “ Knew you had it in ya!"

"Yeah!" Cadet Blouse' voice rang clear, striking her fist in the air. "Atta soldier!"

I looked around for a brief moment to see my fellow comrades surrounding the scene. Some some were staring at the carcass as the steam erupted and billowed out into the air. Others gathered around where I was, but kept their distance.

The shouts kept going. Some heated, other hearty, yet none of them hit harder than the realization of my tests today. Even if no one said so, there was no doubt in my mind... 

I’d done it. 

I'd done it. I'd actually _done_ it! I'd taken blow for blow, but landed a hit nonetheless. Even if passing a test as minute and insignificant as this was a start, at the very least there was a place to start. And a start to any kind of success meant everything to those who give their hearts in the Regiment.

“All clear! Prepare to regroup!”


	2. Survivor's Guilt: This World Is Cruel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!

The frigid air woke me up a lot earlier than I’d liked, but there was no returning to sleep any time soon.

It was always mornings like these that I both savored and resented with equal fervor. Mornings where the sun had yet to make its appearance, and all I was left in these moments was the darkness all around me. The quiet hour, the calm atmosphere, the lack of human presence to quell the majority of my fears and worries.

The silence.

These were the moments where I could just breathe. To take in everything around me. To feel the ground beneath my feet, the air slowly filling my lungs, and the weight of reality casting itself like a pair or heavy hands upon my shoulders.

Mornings like these were the only I’d come to realize why I was really here.

Yes, I was here to become a soldier, but maybe it was a little more complicated than that -at least, that’s what I liked to believe. But at the heart of the matter only two things seemed to strike a chord with me returning from the latest expedition after seeing my comrades being ripped apart by giant naked human-looking savages with feasible forms of intelligence.

The world I lived in wasn’t the same as the real world and this real world really was cruel.

Well, not like I didn’t know that before. As a child, I’d come to witness this firsthand from the various ruffians and drunkards that inhabited my hometown; the stingy businessmen who sought more coin than they could hold in their pockets and would gladly swipe the rug out from bakers and barbers to get what they wanted. I knew these things, even if they were never truly _taught_ to me.

So then why, despite these unconscious confirmations, was this reality so hard to accept? Did I not think about it hard enough? Was I not exposed to enough pain and misery? Was the world once I once inhabited in that little town was big enough -cold enough even?

_No._ I thought. _That couldn’t be why._

Even now, as I stood upon the rooftop, awaiting the heavenly golden glow of the dawn’s first rays, I realized I’d been living in two separate worlds all my life. The real world, which was big and cold and cruel, but inside that world, lay my own. That world where the borders of the town, the friendly smiles and warm hearts -despite the varying presence of trouble- made me feel safe. But being out here, training, sweating, agonizing over the fate of humanity and the lives of the people around me also made me realize just how much I actually _missed_ that little naïve world of mine.

The world I thought of as _unfair_ , but could never once deem _cruel_.

In an unfair world, everyone had a chance. No matter who they were, what they did or where they came from, people were always given something by someone at some point in life. It didn’t matter if it was the shirt of a neighbor's back, or the last piece of semi-stale salt loaf that the baker felt the need to give. There was always someone looking out for someone else. That cozy little blanket of comfort was always something to rely on in the darker days of life, when nothing seemed to go according to plan.  


In an unfair world, people were often hurt, but even then, people mattered.

In a cruel world, it never mattered how hard a body tried, how much a body worked, or even who a body knew because they knew, deep down they knew, they’d never really be safe. There was no real thing called safety -just a false sense of security in a conscious state of mind that kept a person sound asleep at night despite the mere indication of perceived danger. Once this realization came to mind, someone could either continue to work their way through life, head down, walking on the side of the streets in an effort to avoid trouble hoping for such a peaceful life by their own definition. Or, they could throw caution to the wind, riding each day like a high of its own, swiping and stealing and scratching their way to the top because the few who did so were the only ones that mattered. The only ones who saw the next light of day.

In a cruel world, people were hurt everyday and nothing could or would be done about it. And in the end, such people never mattered.

I looked down to the torn patch in my hand. The once vibrant, pristine blue and white of the Wings of Freedom now dull and browned with dirt and dried blood. Just looking at it made my stomach lurch and blood boil in my veins.

_If only I could’ve been fast enough...._

Another grim reminder of this world. Even if I had my comrade’s back in battle, even if I were there trying fruitlessly to free them from the jaws of a creature, bent on the destruction of me and my home; no matter how hard we tried, the odds were never in our favor. Nothing was guaranteed other than the loss of life on both sides.

The loss of a soldier’s life and the loss of a life they once knew.

I clutched the bloody patch tighter in my fist and closed my eyes, feeling the tears burn behind my lids.

_I’m sorry. If only I could’ve been strong enough._

It was only after I’d managed to return home alive from my first expedition that I finally felt the weight of responsibility on my shoulders. The reality that I now not only carried the lives of my comrades in my hands, but now the weight of all humanity alongside those who fight. The feeling settled in my bones like a cold winter chill. It stole the breath from my lungs like a hand locked in a death grip round my throat.

That was my responsibility now. Only made more prominent by the fact that this really was how I died; at least, how I was going to die one of these days. And there was almost nothing I could do to stop it. Death would come for us all soon enough because it was the one unstoppable force that never discriminated.

But this was the world we lived in -all of us- there was almost nothing we could do to change it.

And that reality, in of itself, was the cruelest thing this world had to show for it.

[<|>|<|>]

Today’s morning meal was -understandably- very quiet. Tired cadets, exhausted trainees, battered squad leaders -heavy losses for the Regiment all around. The few who managed to fake a smile were either rewarded with a pat on the back or disregarded and shunned completely.

Clearly, no one had the energy to even pretend like things would be alright.

Usually I’d sit at a table with the few soldiers from my graduating class, but… not that many people were left from this particular journey beyond the walls. I shivered at the mere thought of it.

Instead, after grabbing my food, I’d decided it’d be best for me to situate myself closer to the door. That way, I could eat my meal in silence then slip out virtually unnoticed once chores had been assigned. Much as I loved small talk with my peers, today was simply not the day to do so.

Just as I’d broken my bread roll in half, I heard footsteps approaching. I looked up to see the famous Shiganshina trio in front of me. Eren Yeager, Armin Arlert and Mikasa Ackerman, all three of my upperclassmen.

“Hello!” Armin greeted with a sheepish smile.

“H-Hello.” I greeted, inwardly backhanding myself. _Goddammit, why am I stuttering!_

“You were assigned to the stables today, correct? ”

“I believe so.”

“Oh good.” The blonde turned back to his friends. “This was the person I was talking about. The one who was paired up in the same squad as you, Mikasa.”  


The blackette nodded, eyes never leaving my face. All I did was stare back at her in utter confusion until Armin spoke again.

“Eren and Mikasa are also on stable work today. Figured I’d reintroduce all of you to each other.”

After giving my name and offering a handshake I expected them to leave and go back to their own table, leaving me alone again. Only Armin did so. Seeing as how the other two were still standing there, perhaps it was best to invite them for a chat before the morning meal ended.

I gestured for the two to sit down. No point in keeping them on their feet when we’d standing and crouching for the better half of the day.

“Please,” I managed only a weak smile. “Sit.”

Despite the heavily depressing atmosphere, the higher-ups still assigned us our regular errands, and today I wound up doing stable work with both Cadet Yeager and Cadet Ackerman. I didn’t know them very well and as a result I wasn’t on completely friendly terms with either one of them. Though Eren seemed more approachable than Mikasa. 

Who knows? This may have been my chance to get along and hopefully something good would come of it.

_Hopefully._

[<|>|<|>]

The day was much cooler than expected, which provided some temporary relief from the sun’s damning heat. Mikasa and I took to mucking the stables while Eren hobbled the horses by a grove of trees not too far away from the compound. We worked in silence, choosing to speak only when asking to pass the shovel or to help each other get the hard to reach areas like the gates and beams. Captain Levi wouldn’t be pleased unless the place was absolutely spotless, after all.

Though the quiet was relaxing enough I still couldn’t help the uneasiness I felt. All day long I’d wanted to talk to someone about what happened out there, but had been too scared of the backlash that could follow. Did I even have a right to feel the way I did right now? Was I even worthy of feeling relieved to have made it back alive when so many others didn’t?

Could I even call myself a soldier if I thought like that?

“What’s wrong?”

I looked up from the ground with the broom between my hands to see Mikasa staring at me with her usual calm expression. She was standing in the doorway holding the last of the emptied saddle bags in her arms. At once I looked down again, realizing I’d stopped sweeping.

“It’s nothing, sorry.” I said quietly.

“You’re a bad liar.” she replied.

I shrugged helplessly. “I suppose so.”

Maintaining some form of eye contact, she placed the saddlebags down in the corner, gesturing for me to follow her outside. Now that the stalls were cleaned out and new hay laid down, the horses could go in and be made comfortable. Walking side by side I let the sounds of the wind soothed my still rattled nerves. Now wasn’t the time to think of such things. Not when there was work to be done.

“You still haven’t answered the question.”

“Sorry, Cadet Ackerma-”

“Mikasa.” she said, turning her head “Just Mikasa.”

“Right. Uhm… Sorry, Mikasa. Just… a lot’s on my mind right now, is all.”

Turning her head forward, we continued walking in silence one more, the neighs and snorts of the horses growing louder every moment. When we were still a far enough distance away, she spoke.

“You were really quiet today at breakfast.”

“Huh.” I pondered “Do I really talk that much?”

“You talk enough.” She said. “At least to keep the conversation going.”

“I didn’t notice.”

“What’s on your mind?” 

I bit my lip. Sure, I wanted someone to talk to but… was Mikasa the one I could really confide in?

I mean, sure, she was pleasant to be around and an excellent soldier on the battlefield, but that was the point. At the very least she was confident in her ability to stay strong, leading her team and staying alive til the end, even when facing death head on. I wasn’t like that.

In fact, I had just the complete opposite of what Mikasa had in skills. I had a reasonably good head on my shoulders to keep my eyes peeled for any signs of oncoming danger. Yet pair that with terribly inconvenient sets of nerves and virtual immobility once panic set in, then I had a perfect recipe for disaster.

At the very end, I panicked, torn between whether or not to go back for my teammates and die trying to save them. Hell, I was paralyzed as soon as I saw that thing’s gigantic hands reaching for me. Every muscle in my body refused to move. Just stood there, doing nothing, with terrified cries and pleas of my comrades falling on equally terrified ears.

_If only I’d been strong enough. Brave enough, even._

“It was a mess out there.” I said simply.

“Hmm” she hummed softly “You made it out, did you not?”

Because of her we both made it out.. Mikasa had been the one to save me at the last moment; slaying the titan before me, then grabbing my hand and getting us the hell out of there. I’d been a coward and yet she’d still came back to rescue me.

I couldn’t take the silence anymore. I had to know -no, I needed to know. 

“Why?” I finally asked.

“Why what?”

“Why did you save me? I could’ve helped the others but I froze. But you stopped them.” My hands clenched into fists. “I could’ve helped you and yet all I did was stand there and watch.”

I locked eyes with her black ones once more. Trying desperately to seal the pain away.

“Why did you save me when I couldn’t save the others?”

She stopped, a little ways away from Eren and the horses. When the brown-haired boy caught sight of us, he waved, a smile gracing his features. We waved back, but Mikasa made no move to walk forward and greet him. Instead, with a heavy sigh, she turned back to me.

“This world is cruel.” She said quietly.

“It is.” I replied.

“It doesn’t care if you’re strong enough or not.”

I nodded.

“It doesn't care where you come from or who you care for.”

I nodded again, much slower this time.

“Despite that… this world is just as beautiful.”

I tilted my head and furrowed my brows in confusion.

“That’s why I saved you.”

_This world was cruel, but beautiful?_

What did she mean by that? Surely she couldn’t mean this gruesome world was cruel, but beautiful? How could a place that causes so much suffering and pain be so… captivating to someone who’d witnessed such cruelty firsthand? What about it could possibly-

“Hey! What are you guys doing over there? Let’s get these horses back to the stables!”

Eren shouted across the way. Mikasa simply raised an eyebrow at me, a silent gesture to reflect on my own time. We jogged to the horses, taking two each hand to make the job easier.

_Perhaps I’ll get an answer later._

[<|>|<|>]

It took the rest of the day to feed and water the horses then brush them down before returning them to their rightful stables. By the time we finished and the last horse was put away, the sky colored from bright blue to burnished orange, leaving us tired and spent.

While waiting for relief, Eren took us around the back of the building to rest on some unmarked crates. There, we sat idly acknowledging his occasional bad joke with a chuckle or silly remark. Though the sadness of this latest expedition hadn’t faded away in the slightest, chores left me feeling lighter, more at ease than before.  


I wanted to ask Mikasa again, about what she’d mean by the world being cruel and beautiful, but those questions would only ruin the mood. Meanwhile, Eren tried to get us to laugh by telling the most absurd and nonsensical stories ever to leave his lips. Although he tried to get a laugh out of me, the guy was no match for the retorts Mikasa threw his way.

“Aw come one.” Eren threw his hands up, exasperated. “You two don’t know good humor when you hear it.”

“We do.” She retorted “But Connie’s not here right now.”

I bit back a laugh of my own.

“Don’t tell you’re siding with her, too?”

My shoulders rose and fell. “Well...”

Eren “hmphed”. Crossing his arms. “Traitor.”

“Only in name, Sir Yeager.” I quipped.

We sat there again in a peaceful silence before Eren spoke again.

“I wonder if we really can do it.” he said quietly.

“Do wha-”

“We can. ” Mikasa cut in. “You just have to get stronger.”

“Yeah. Well hey,” Eren called to me. “What do you think?”

“What do I think?”

He nodded “About all of this?”

I looked to the ground and said, “I… There’s… a lot I could say.”

More than a lot, actually. I thought all of what we’ve endured in the last few months to be absolute hell on earth. I thought about the fact that there was never a night or two, from that day onwards, where I didn’t wake up in a cold sweat with my heart beating wildly in my chest. Or, with a comrade in their bunk next to me, screaming and sobbing at the top of their lungs from these same creatures that now sought to haunt them in their dreams.

I thought -at least now in hindsight- that with Eren on our side, we had a fighting chance against those giant bastards. 

I wanted to think that all of our sacrifices up until this point would be worth it. That thousands of new recruits in the future wouldn’t have to suffer the same way we all did.

Yet how could I possibly say these things out loud?

And even then, you could kill the product of cruelty, but you could never kill cruelty itself. Cruelty was an idea, not an individual. That was the truth for me and anyone else willing to dedicate their hearts for the future of humanity. At least the

_Just like our little unfair world._ A tiny voice reminded me.

“Well Eren,” I began “I don’t know if we can kill them all. But, the truth is, we must do all we can to eradicate them. That’s what’s true is for me and you and every other soldier here.” I straightened up.

“Only time will tell. As much as we wish to turn the tables here and now, Mikasa is right. You have to get stronger, I have to get stronger -we all do. Because...”  
Eren shifted closer towards me. “Because?”

“Because,” I sighed. “That is the nature of this world. It’s big and cold and cruel and not that many people stand a fighting chance.”

“But then again… maybe that’s the beautiful thing about it as well.”

Eren raised an eyebrow utterly baffled by sentence. “How the hell-”

“Eren,” Mikasa started. “We may not have anything from our former lives, but we still have something.”

“And what is that?”

I tired to think of an answer to the question when it suddenly clicked.

“We have two things” I raised two fingers “One, the drive to fight.”

“Well, yeah, that’s obvious-”

“And two,” I interrupted. “Something to fight for that’ll live on even if we don't live to see it thrive.”

He looked into my eyes once more. Although he didn’t smile I could tell he wanted to. 

It’s only then that I fully realized what Mikasa had meant earlier. This one world was cruel, but then again, our two worlds were once very beautiful.  


I had no idea what both she and Eren had gone through the day Wall Maria fell to the titans. I didn’t know who they’d lost or what kind of life they’d left behind. Hell, I didn’t even really know why they were here. Sure, Eren was a valuable asset to humanity, but was he fighting just to kill titans or was there more to the story than meets the eye?

Then if my logic was correct, what was Mikasa fighting for? We all knew Eren’s convictions -but what of hers?

Maybe there doesn’t have to be a reason when you live in a world like this? 

It was probable that that’s what Mikasa meant by the world being beautiful. The beauty of danger and the unknown. The beauty that made the heart race and the breath hitch. The beauty of knowing that every single day we woke up could be our last; living on the edge of sanity that made a soldier feel the blood boiling in their veins and the painful vibrations in their throat as the screams of battle were torn from their lips.

That had to be the beauty of this cruel world. The beauty that we were still alive and fighting; and that our painful, unhealed scars would always show for it.

Yes… That had to be it. That had to be what made this cruel world truly beautiful. 

“Mikasa.” I called turning towards her.

The black-haired soldier raised another eyebrow, turning towards me.

“Thank you.”

She looked at me for a long time, those deep, black eyes of hers boring into my own. Then, for a moment, her gaze lost its intensity and softened as she registered my gratitude.

“No problem.” was all she said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Life doesn't discriminate..."
> 
> If anyone finishes the sentence and gets the reference in the comments section you get a high-five or a hug, depending on your choice! ^^
> 
> Original Title: "A Cruel and Unfair World.:"
> 
> This chapter was quite the chapter to write out, not gonna lie. It took me just over two weeks to figure how I wanted it to go and honestly I still don't know how I feel about it. I really wanted to focus on Mikasa's perspective of the world and let the reader take a moment to think long and hard about it. Gotta do the character _some_ kind of justice.
> 
> Also formatting on AO3's pretty complicated for me, as this is the work I've ever published (*cries in novice*)
> 
> Loved it? Hated it? Angry at me for taking almost a month to update? Feel free to yell at me in the comments about it! :^)
> 
> Thanks for reading and I sincerely hope enjoyed the story.
> 
> See you in the next chapter!


	3. For the Greater Good: The Reluctant Heroes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content/Trigger warnings below
> 
> **Brief mentions of cult activity, and murder. If you are sensitive to such topics, it is suggested that you avoid reading this chapter. ******
> 
> If you're still here for the ride, hope you enjoy! :^)

"Squad Leader!"

I turned at the sound of my name fully expecting to find Armin and Mikasa, but to my surprise it was Krista and Ymir.

"Cadet Ymir, Cadet Lenz. At ease."

The petite blonde stepped forward presenting a small scroll stamped with the seal of the Commander at the front. The impression of the Wings of Freedom stood out in smaller shadows of the red wax. _Urgent notice?_

“The Commander said to have a response given by the end of today.”

“I see” taking the scroll from her hand and pocketing it. “Good work Lenz.”

I took my eyes off of her for a moment and looked up at Ymir, a usually bored expression painting her gray eyes. Her eyebrows furrowed slightly, one hand clenched tightly on her hip.

I raised an eyebrow “Something wrong, soldier?”

“Just wondering when the hell we wind up returning from our next mission.”

On any normal day I’d have chastised Ymir for her coarse language towards a superior, but I decided to let the attitude slide. Maneuvering drills would begin in an hour and I didn’t need to be frustrated by my subordinate’s lack of respect towards her leaders.

“Information hasn’t been given out as of yet. When it comes I’ll let you know.”

She only nodded once.

I smirked “You seem eager enough to get back on the field.”

“I don’t feel like sitting around on my ass all day long.”

“The MP’s would’ve kept you busy for longer.”

“The fuck that’s supposed to mea-”

“Ymir!” Krista cut in. “Stop that!”

“You worry too much.” The taller woman ruffled the blonde’s hair, before wrapping an arm around her shoulders. Krista rolled her eyes and looked away for a moment, but I didn’t miss the pink hue dusting her cheeks ever so lightly. I tried my best to not crack up at the sight, earning a glare from brunette. 

“What’s so funny?” Ymir demanded.

“You two.” I chuckled. “So when’s the wedding?”

“Wedding?” Krista gave me a quizzical look.

“Oh come now,” I continued teasing, “You two are stuck on each other -don’t try to hide it. The way you bicker and banter then lean on each other when no one’s looking. You’re practically a married couple already. In my eyes at least.”

Immediately, the shade in Krista darken to a rosy red color. Ymir, ever cool-headed and composed, simply smirked and tugged her closer.

I shrugged. “Either way, head over to the training grounds. Equipment’s being tested today.”

“Got it, boss..”

I ignored her. After the two left, I took out the scroll, slipped my thumb under the seal and broke it. Inside was a message from the Commander.

  
_Squad Leader,_

  
_Please report to the negotiation room before the end of today for decisions regarding the stability of your squadron in regards to the upcoming entrapment assignment._  


_-E.S._

I heaved a long suffering sigh. _Of course._

I should’ve known this would come about after we’d returned to the Karanese District. After all, the facing heavy casualties on behalf of the Female Titan and a botched attempt to ensnare Annie Leonhardt had rendered no outright breakthrough other than there being the existence of more than one Titan shifter in our world. The majority of my team had been annihilated in the right flank, but thankfully Lenz, Kirstein and Ymir all made it out unharmed. Other soldiers who’d managed to make it out alive from both incidents had either sent in their transfer forms for the Garrison or resigned from the military altogether. Surprisingly enough, the newest ones from the 104th stayed. That much I could be grateful for.

But now that Annie, the Female Titan, had encapsulated herself within some sort of crystal, we were no step closer to discovering anything of her motives or where she came from. If anything, we’d all taken a step back with hundreds of more bodies under our heels to show for it. The only other thing would’ve been the discovery of a Colossus Titan residing within Wall Rose, but that left more questions than answers as to how it got there in the first place!

I shook my head in an effort to clear these thoughts and frustrations. It was my turn to oversee the testing and repairs for ODM gear and conduct drills today. No doubt I had my hands full, plus the summons later today.

I heaved another sigh. One thing at a time, soldier.

So I picked myself up and soldiered on towards the others.

[< | > | < | >]

After a hefty amount of shouting, screeching, scuffling and sprains among the cadets, I found myself dismissing drills a lot earlier than usual. One reason was due to staggering numbers in gear malfunction that left many on the ground face first in the dirt, the other being the need to whip some of the less eager soldiers into shape with a little hand-to-hand. Before they could relearn how to maneuver through the trees in their equipment, they need to know how to maneuver their bodies in the event of a physical altercation. No doubt some of these skills were left behind upon graduation from the Cadet Corps, due to most trainees fighting tooth and nail to make it to the top ten. All for the sake of a comfortable life in the innermost wall. A life many others would kill for from what I've seen in recent years.

But who was I to place judgement? _Even if that judgment was rightly justified by the fact that I was there to reteach some of these ungrateful-_

I knocked on the door to the negotiation room.

“Name and business.” 

I gave my name. “...reporting with a response to the message received earlier this morning, Sir.”

A moment later. “Come in.”

When I entered the room, I found not only the Commander, but Section Commanders Hange and Miche as well as Moblit and the Captain all either seated or stationed in various areas around the room. The Captain in a chair in one corner, Miche at the window and Hange and Moblit pouring over important papers scattered all over the Commander’s desk.

Not wanting to say much, I simply offered up my salute in a quiet effort to announce my presence. The Commander looked up from his work in an equally silent acknowledgement.

"Squad Leader, at ease." The Commander dismissed.

The rest of the room went silent as the others registered my presence at the door. Suppressing the urge to shift uncomfortably where I stood, I kept my eyes focused straight ahead on the document laid out in the center of the table. I was never a fan of having all eyes in my direction.

“Glad I managed to get a hold of you this early.”

I nodded. “Permission to ask why I’ve been called in?”

“Granted. I have questions for you regarding the next entrapment assignment.”

“Sir?”

“Your squadron’s numbers and report of recovery don’t bode very well for this upcoming assignment.”

“With all due respect, Sir-”

“I am aware of this due to multiple injuries and numerous casualties sustained from the onslaught of the Female Titan. That is why I’ve called you in here.”

I nodded again, slowly. _What was he getting at?_

“Therefore, I require you to relinquish your standing as Squad leader for the time being.”

My eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Commander Erwin wanted me to give up on my role as a Squad Leader for no other reason than my team’s numbers? That seemed unlike him to make such a minute decision and for me of all people to be involved.

I didn’t buy it. There had to be an ulterior motive at play here. If the Commander simply wanted me out he would have said so in the letter, wouldn't he?

"Am I to remain at headquarters until said entrapment has commenced, Sir?"

"Yes and no."

"Pardon-"

"Spit it out already Erwin." The Captain grumbled. "We don't have all day."

The Commander ignored him and continued to stare straight back at me. Immediately, my already clammy palms began to sweat and a knot twisted painfully in the pit of my stomach at the next question.

"Squad Leader," He began. "Do you happen to know of a man by the name of Minister Nick?"

My eyes went wide for only a moment. All of a sudden, the room before was no longer the office. 

I looked to the floor, but instead of seeing my worn brown boots, I saw bare feet. Bloody, bruised and taking off across the battered floorboards-

"I…" I looked up again to meet his gaze. "I'm familiar with the name, yes."

"Did you have any former connections to the Church of the Walls?"

"Indirect connections, but… yes, I did."

The Commander sat back in his chair just as Hange stepped forward, her eyes shining brightly.

"Spot on as always, Erwin." The brunette beamed. "Maybe we could use this to our advantage."

I opened my mouth to question that statement, but Moblit beat me to it.

"Yes, Squad Leader, but we still need to tread carefully. The Church has iron-clad ties with the Brigade which could prove dangerous for all involved." Moblit gestured to me. "Case in point being the Squad Leader currently present."

"Nonsense, Moblit!" Hange dismissed with a wave of the hand. "You say that as if I've prepared a sacrifice on a silver platter."

A corner of my mouth turned up. _More like lab experiments strapped down to a table, but hey, not too far off, right?_

"Squad Leader, please consider-"

"Moblit, no harm will come to them, but we need all the help we can get our hands on."

"Hange." I cut in. "Might I ask what all of this is about?"

"I'm glad you did." A mischievous grin spread across the scientist's face.

"We're headed to the interior of Wall Rose in search of Pastor Nick to get some answers. We want you to come along."

I raised an eyebrow. "To persuade Pastor Nick to reveal information about the Wall as it pertains to the Titans."

"Correct!" Hange exclaimed. "See how quickly our veteran understands? All the better to bring them along!"

"Hange," Erwin warned, "one thing at a time."

"You know who you're talking to, Erwin?" The Captain scoffed. "'One thing' doesn't register in the mind when it comes to Shitty Glasses."

"Levi-"

"When do you plan to leave, Squad Leader?"

Hange and Moblit turned towards me. "Right away. As soon I've gotten approval.”

We all looked towards Erwin who in turn looked at me again, expression just as intense as when I first walked in.

"Squad Leader." He called my name. "Are you prepared to reenter the world of the Church for the sake of this assignment."

_So that’s what’d he meant by entrapment?_

I nodded. "I've done so before, I… I can do it again." 

I threw a curled hand to my heart as if to reassure myself and smother that small spark of terror growing in my gut.

“For the greater good.”

With a nod and an order for Miche to supervise the remainder of my Squad, I left the room with Hange and Moblit leading the way towards the laboratory to pack up and iron out the details of this journey.

"I didn't think you'd agree to this upfront." Hange said. "I was convinced I'd have to bribe you or something."

"As much as I'd love a week free of helping Moblit manage the mess that is your laboratory, I don't mind it this time."

Hange cackled at my little jab, Moblit looked away in a feeble attempt to hide his discomfort. I snickered.

"Besides," I continued, "I have some things to settle with the Church, in particular, Minister Nick."

"Ohh, I see." The brunette teased. "Unfinished business? I like the sound of that." A hand clapped me on the back and I flinched from the impact. More or less. 

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, steeling whatever resolve lay within me for these next few hours. I knew eventually I'd have to return but I didn't think it'd be so soon.  
_Nonetheless, the time is now. Just you wait, Nick._

_Just you wait._

[< | > | < | >]

The ride to Stohess was a short but tedious endeavor since travel restrictions were put in place after the Wall's supposed breaching.. Since many of the residents from Wall Maria were now confined to Wall Rose, less personnel were available to make sure the townsfolk abided by rules and regulation. As such, traveling papers were required at every gate to ensure lawful passage between each district, especially near Stohess.

Granted, many on guard in the area were drunk off their asses when we arrived, but that didn’t stop us. It still amazed me that a single man could drink as much as they do and still stand alert enough to check the validity of our documents. They had to be pulling our leg here. No way these were the only soldiers competent enough to keep watch of an open entryway.

_Others are probably all hauled up in Sina. Which one of them wouldn't be?_

I looked back at the two in front of me. Hange was studying what looked to be a crystallized fragment from the debris of the Wall. Meanwhile, Moblit alternated between looking out the window and asking questions about my association with the Church.

“So, can you tell us exactly how you know Pastor Nick?” He inquired.

I bowed my head, tearing my eyes away from the various people in the streets.

“Nick was a friend and a confidant of my late father. He joined the Church about two years after the Fall of Wall to the Titans. Apparently, he’d been acquainted with my father since the twenties, but they fell out of communication shortly after my father renounced the faith and shortly before this death I haven’t seen or heard from him since then.”

“I see.” Moblit hesitated. “Were you-”

“Brought up? Not… exactly.”

“Oh?”

“My mother died from the epidemic in Shiganshina when I was eleven. My parents had been lawfully separated beforehand and after she was buried my father retrieved me and relocated to Yarkel District where I stayed with him, my aunt and her three children until I enlisted a year and a half later. ”

“When did the Church enter the picture?” 

“I’m not sure exactly when, but it had to have been sometime before my mother passed. Most likely that was the reason they were separated in the first place.”

Moblit nodded. “Did anything strange ever take place in your household when the Pastor visited?”

"He was very…" I struggled to find the right words. "intense. Very forward with his desire of my father and I to 'see the light' or what not."

"How did your father respond?"

"From what I can remember, at first, there were mixed feelings. Granted, my mother had already been ill before the plague and finances were stretched thin in our home to heal her.

"Eventually, however, my father may have caved. I remember waking up one night to the sound of him, my mother and my aunt arguing about his 'joining a cult of lunatics'." I chuckled softly. "My aunt and mum would have none of it. The women in my house were always the skeptics." _For that I'm eternally grateful._

"Are there any other members of your family that you could reach out to?" Moblit asked.

I felt a heavy pang in my heart. “Unfortunately, not anymore.”

“I’m sorry?”

"You know about my mother departing , but…." I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.

"The entirety of my family is no longer in the picture as well."

[< | > | < | >]

Father had just returned from a night of prayer at one of churches south of Wall Rose. It wasn't often that he left for these meetings, but when he did, he didn't return until sunrise. Something about ushering in a new day of prosperity and reverence for the God that blessed our people with the three walls that protected the remainder of humanity from the terrors beyond our world.

So why was he back so early?

He had told us of his plans to leave the church tomorrow night, and had gone out to discard his sacred robes, despite Minister Nick begging him to think of his family. My father simply replied that for once since his wife's death, he _was_ thinking of his family.

My aunt and I had been reading at the table; her, a book of failed remedies used to treat my late mother's ailments and I, a book about a wolf dressed as a sheep to steal food, my little cousins at my feet. A typical quiet night inside, but with my mother not yet a month cold in the graveyard near Krolva, the house seemed so much quieter than it usually did.  
Mum did love to sing a lot when she was here, so there was never a moment of silence in our little cottage. Alas, not even the children's shrieks and giggles could take the place of a loud, hearty melody passing from her lips.

I had never hated the quiet before as much as I hated it now.

My aunt had told me earlier that she was going to talk to my father one last time. If he didn't relent and leave the church she would take me and her children and leave the house entirely. When father returned in the evening, wide-eyed and frantic with terror, my Aunt sprung into action, sending the children upstairs and ordering me to pack up all our belongings. When I returned, father was gone, leaving my Aunt alone in the sitting room.

"No one deserves to suffer from a man hesitant to take action." She'd said to me as I tied off the rucksack.

"But Auntie," I replied. "What about soldiers that leave the walls all the time? Aren't they afraid?"

"No doubt they are, but they still act. Brave the storm and leave their homes because of one important thing."

"What's that?"

"They don't just believe in something, child. Those soldiers are nothing like your father. They want to know that truth is out there somewhere. Even if most of them have to die trying to find it."

"Do all people have to die when they know?"

"None have to, but very many do." She took a small sip of tea from her cup. "These peaceful times have made us blind. Know that this world is not as it should be."

"What do you mean?"

She got up from the table and made her way towards me and placed her hand on my shoulders. Her eyes bright with utmost conviction, boring into my own.

"Humanity has lost its fighting streak, my dear. So many now are content with simply hiding away in their homes within these walls. Never knowing or wondering how this world came to be, where these creatures came from…"

She shook my shoulders lightly with her next words.

" _Don't._ " She'd demanded. " _Do not_ under _any_ circumstances, hesitate to question the things that are in this world, no matter how fearful you may be. There are many who have saved lives because they were willing to find the truth for themselves."

"They were?" I questioned. "But who are those people, Auntie?"

She squeezed my shoulders gently, her eyes softened and that frown melted into a small smile.

"I don't know, child. Though I suppose being called a reluctant hero isn't too far off from the truth."

"Reluctant hero-"

_CRASH!_

We whipped around just in time to see the splintered remains of the front door and three men entered our the room. 

"There they are. Seize the traitors."

[< | > | < | >]

We'd arrive at the Military Barracks early in the afternoon to find the Minister detained and confined to his room. No guards were present near the room, but with the quick work of a small blade, we'd entered swiftly and silently so as not to alert anyone of our presence.

It didn't take long for the Minister to recognize my face in particular.

"Y-you." The man sputtered. "You're still-"

"Alive?" I finished, eyebrows raised. "Yes I am."

Nick closed his eyes as his face contorted in utter anguish. When he opened them again, they were so dark, I could barely see the irises.

"May God forgive me." He breathed. "Even if I can never atone for my crimes."

Hange and Moblit looked between the two of us, but I paid them no mind. As far as I was concerned, Nick and I were the only ones in the room.

As swiftly as I laid eyes on the man before me, my chest swelled with an immeasurable surge of emotions. Grief for my family, anger and resentment for the church. And Nick?  
I didn't know what to feel. I'd imagined this scenario over and over again in my head since I first joined the Cadets Corps. Every time, the image of me planting my fists into this bastard's face so vividly present I could almost feel the impact of fist on flesh. But now… _now_ … 

"Please," Nick had said softly. "I cannot tell you anything. Please-"

"Nothing, huh?" I inquired. "Nothing about the titan hiding within Wall Rose?"

"No. Please, I-"

"Nothing about the Church? Or anything related to their dealings in politics, keeping people at bay with the promise of salvation and security?"

"I cannot."

"Not even about how the Military police is most likely tied to your friend and my father's absence? Nor the murder of my Aunt and the disappearance of her children?"

"Wait, what?" Hange and Moblit exclaimed in unison.

"Believe me, when I tell you," Nick spoke my name to my utter shock. "I cannot tell you anything that won't put you and so many others in complete danger. So many more lives are at risk if our silence is not kept."

"So many more lives are at risk if you continue to remain silent, Minister."

‘You...have every right to be angry. But...we did not stay silent out of malice! I do not cling to my own life as if it is something precious!’  
My voice was low and hollow when I spoke “Angry?”

I wasn,'t expecting to feel as calm as I was right now. A cold heavy feeling settled in my chest and I found myself straightening my back. As much as I wanted to make Nick suffer in turn for his role in my family's destruction, I couldn't afford to waste time. Hange and Moblit needed information and the guards would return, soon enough.

I turned to my Squad Leaders.

"Please forgive the outburst." I addressed Hange.

"No worries." Came the reply "This won't be the last time we stop by for a visit."

"Last time?" Moblit inquired.

Hange merely flashed him a knowing smile and gestured for me to continue. I wanted to object, letting them have their time to question the Minister, but the Squad Leader merely spun me around and pushed me forward. A silent gesture to continue the confrontation.

Nick's eyes widened and he fell to the ground on his knees before us. At first I thought he was going to begin his fanatical prayers and feeble supplications to his so-called God, but to my surprise, he addressed me. By my name.

"I cannot even think to ask for your forgiveness," His voice wavered, "but please, for your own safety, do not seek the truth from me. A man who has and knows nothing." 

"You _do_ know, Nick."

He looked up at me for a moment in confusion. Begrudgingly, I offered my hand only to have the man look at if it were about to fall off.

"Stand."

But I-"

"Stand, Nick." I commanded.

Scrambling to his feet I looked him in the eye, my chest growing ever colder.

"You and the Church know about the Walls. You know of the titans. You know about our world and yet the only thing you know to do with this knowledge is to keep silent. Why is that?"

"We do as we have been commanded by Go-"

"Would God not want the truth of this world to be shared with the people of this world? The world your God created?"

Nick opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. He continued to open and close his mouth like a fish out of water. I had him right where I wanted him, and could've pressed further had it not been for heavy-booted footsteps sound outside in the hallway.

Hange and Moblit had already left the room, most likely to reach the carriage without getting caught since they were the only ones still in uniform.

"Nick, look at me."

He never took his eyes off me as I gave my final message.

"I don't know why you reached out to my family in their time of need. I don't know why you continue to hide behind the guise of protecting humanity if it meant keeping us all in the dark. I don't even know why we came to you of all people for answers.

For a brief moment, I felt another hand on my shoulder, though Nick had not even touched me.

"I know that the most dangerous thing you can do in this world is to hide. Be it truth or yourself, you cannot hide forever. Your deeds will be discovered one day and when they are, you’ll find yourself with nothing but regret for not acting sooner."

And with that warning, I turned on my heel and left, locking the door behind me once more.

[< | > | < | >]

No matter how many times I close my eyes at night, I could hear everything clearly.

The shouting and screaming from downstairs as glass shattered, wooden floorboard splintered. One moment I was in the hallway edging closer and closer to the window, the next, having my hand yanked forward by my aunt as she sprinted towards my room. The house wasn't that big and there was no doubt in my mind we were in some serious danger.

"Auntie-"

"Hush!" She hissed, hair flying in every direction.

We made it to my room in a short-lived victory and barricaded the door. There was no way for me to go back to the children, but my aunt acted quickly, shutting me inside the wardrobe with a final warning to stay quiet.

“Don’t make a sound.” She had ordered from the other side, “Not even when the noises stop.”

All at once the door to my room was broken down and the screaming downstairs stopped. A short scuffle later and more loud noises and shouting from my aunt before my room went silent again. 

“Where’s the other one?” one of the men demanded

“Saw the bitch heading towards the window.” another man answered “Prolly threw em’ out to go get help.”

“Shit!” a third man hissed “Search the room.”

More crashing and rustling came around before a loud thud sounded just just outside the door of the wardrobe. Auntie…

_Just a bad dream. Just a bad dream. Just a bad dream!_

_CRASH!_

All at once the noises stopped again. A short while later, one of the men called out “Let’s go. If the runt’s not here they won’t last long.”

_Close your eyes. Pinch yourself. It’s just a bad dream and you’ll wake up again!_

Shaking terribly and keeping a hand against my mouth I sent a silent plea to the sky before closing my eyes in a feeble attempt to wake up from this nightmare.

[< | > | < | >]

“So, the Minister refused to give any information whatsoever. ”

“Yes Sir.”

We’d returned to headquarters a few hours ago and reported straight to the Commander. Although the journey bore nothing substantial, the Commander wasn’t one to write it off as completely wasted time.

“Silence maintained due to belief,” He pondered, “Reverence towards the Wall and the Titan lurking just behind the structure...”

“It may not seem like much, but at the very least it’s a start.” Hange stated. “We’ll take what we have now and work with it until something else slips out.”

Erwin nodded. “And the link to Eren, the Military Police’s desire for him to be handed over. There are many gaps in our vision. Now, we have a trail.”

“The Holy Man's no further away from having a rope round his neck.” Captain muttered. “Who’s to say he hasn’t been put out of his misery already?”

“Let’s hope that’s not the case.” Hange replied. “We need to find a way to make him give, if that’s even possible.”

“I highly doubt that is.” I murmured

“Why so?” Moblit inquired

“From what I remember, the Church is adamant on keeping silent when it comes to their faith. Not even my father told me anything about what went on when he spent the night praying near the Wall.”

“So, all they plan to do is sit there on their asses with their mouths shut while others die.” Captain spoke. “Not surprising.”

“Even so, we’ll find a way.” I said. “They can hide forever.”

Captain Levi looked at me for a moment assessing the truth behind my statement. I forced myself to meet his steady silver gaze head on. When he saw that I wouldn’t back down, he shrugged and looked towards the window.

"Well then,’ Commander Erwin rose from his seat and walked towards me. ‘I suppose I should ask you the same question, Squad Leader.."

"That question being..." I think I knew where this was going.

He looked up at me with the same look in bright blue eyes as on the day of the 57th. That frigid gaze burning brightly with as much intensity as ever.

"Squad Leader, “ He said carefully, ”who do you think is the real enemy?"

I should’ve known he'd been waiting to ask me that question. If I recalled correctly, everyone in the former Squad Levi had been asked this same question before the launch of the Special Operations Mission to capture the Female Titan. Eld had told me that it may have been the reason as to why no one was informed of the details regarding the failed entrapment. Because they couldn’t give a straight answer or because they’d given the wrong answer?

This was why the Commander had called me in for. To put me through the same test as he had them. Would I give the wrong answer if I gave one at all? And who was to say there was any right answer to begin. Anyone among us could be a friend of foe, but that didn’t mean could simply hide away in our rooms and wait for the danger to pass.

Even on the days where I too had wished for nothing more than to just keep away, content with hiding in my room, something -something- pulled me back. Trying to remember the days I’d dreamt of long ago now felt wrong, my wishes out of place. Every time I thought of family and friends, of a place unlike this one, it hurt like hell.

But we can’t look back now -we all come too far for that, even me. And the ones we’d left behind wouldn’t come back, they never would. We couldn’t be afraid either. Every soldier had been through hell and back time and time again. And every soldier that chose to dedicate their hearts to humanity would continue to go through this hell; time after time.

We would still soldier on, no matter how reluctant we were.

"Well Commander, I suppose my first answer back then would've only been ignorance, but now…"

He raised an eyebrow, gesturing for me to continue.

We can’t look back. Don’t look back.

"Now I'd have to say that the greatest enemies out there are those who have the knowledge needed to change, but are complacent enough to let things be as they are. People like this don't see the bigger picture at hand or are unwilling to contribute if it meant shattering the illusion of comfort."

_These peaceful times have made us blind…_

The Commander put a thoughtful hand to his chin and chuckled.

"Sir?"

"Impressive answer..." He called my name. "Quite the practical way of thinking. I suppose that's the reason Levi trusts you so much with the newest batch of recruits."

“They’ve got a good head on their shoulders.” Captain stated. “It should keep them alive a lot longer.”

I nodded slowly.

“That’s all for tonight then.” The Commander dismissed. “Good work, soldier.”

[< | > | < | >]

I woke up again before dawn to a heavy feeling in my chest.

At this point in my life it was normal to wake up feeling this way. Just meant I’d had a bad dream that I couldn’t remember. Maybe it was best that I didn’t remember.

The more I thought about it, the more I knew that my aunt had been right: humanity might well have forgotten the life we were supposed to lead. One hundred years of peaceful times really have made us blind. The more I thought about it, the more painful it became. It’s only that we feel the true weight of sacrifice on both our shoulders and hearts.  
But… we’ve come too far to turn back now, right? Was this what heroes felt like when they lost everything? Then again, some heroes seemed content with never feeling anything at all.

It killed me to think about all of the king's recent endeavors to keep the population stable: placing the residents of Wall Maria into settlements to stimulate food production, sending untrained soldiers on failed recapture missions. Men and women in arms prepared to die a “coward’s death” because they deserted. It really was and still is like a nightmare.

All because nobody wanted to die too fast.

All because people wanted to take it easy and live what they thought was the good life. I mean, I understood why. No mother or father would knowingly condone their child going to fight what they saw as an ever-losing battle against forces far beyond us all. No mother wanted to weep over the body of her babe, the one who was supposed to bury her -not the other way around.

Perhaps that was why Krista and Ymir learned to lean on each other the way they did. Granted the former was shy, kind, considerate of others’ needs and reserved. The latter was crass, haughty and defensively selfish to an extent. Maybe those two were hesitant enough to dream of a future without the threat of death looming over their heads at every turn.  
Jean was the same way. Though constantly slacking off during basic exercises, he was a quick thinker remaining level-headed during emergencies. If not for his fast acting we would’ve all been eaten alive in that aberrant ambush. Kirstein was a prime example of what it meant to keep fighting despite the terror building slowly in the gut, but he kept his oath as a Scout and continued on.

At once I thought of the Commander. A courageous leader in battle, a tactical genius. A hero revered and glorified by those who longed for freedom and a hindrance to those wished for this horrifyingly alluring picture of peace: waiting around like sitting ducks in a pond. Did he ever hesitate like this? Who am I kidding, sure he did! He just knew how to cover it up. How to push those feelings down, push forward, never stop pushing back against the fray.

Maybe… that’s what made a hero?

I dressed quickly and made my way to the training ground, now glowing gold with the sun’s first light.. Another day, another push forward. Another chance to free the birds who were either waiting their entire lives to soar on the wings of freedom or make them realize how they were always meant to fly.

I chuckled quietly to myself.

“Something amusing you?”

_Speak of the Devil and he shall appear._ I turned, abruptly saluting the Commander.

“Just a memory.” I replied, “My aunt once told me there’s a name for people like us in the Scouts.”

“Oh? What might that be?”

I took a very deep breath. _It all made sense now._

“They’re called… Reluctant Heroes.”

Commander Erwin raised his eyebrows, turning his eyes back to the training field, where a few early risers were now making their appearance.

“Yes, I suppose that’s about right.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two update in one month, yay me!
> 
> This chapter was a bit more on the difficult side of the spectrum in terms of how best to convey the situation at hand. Seeing as how this deals cult-related influences and murder, I sincerely hope I did justice and handled these topics in a sophisticated manner.
> 
> This chapter was originally going to be a whole songfic titled "The Reluctant Heroes", but I figured that's been done before already, soo-
> 
> As always, I hope you enjoyed reading and feel free to leave a comment. I've already got the next two chapters planned, but suggestions on what to write next would be nice.
> 
> See ya! :^)

**Author's Note:**

> We love flying, right? (*sweats nervously*)
> 
> Jk, jk... for the most part. :^)
> 
> If you've seen this fic circulating around here before it's most likely been removed and redrafted by yours truly who felt the need to change a few things to make the chapter a bit more acceptable.
> 
> Anyways, let know what you think! I appreciate any comments left on this work as it motivates me to write more and write better chapters. Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed.
> 
> Until next time!  
> 


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